Catchphrases
by wingedmercury
Summary: Holy crap.  Troublesome didn't even begin to describe it.  "That's right troll, you have to replace your catchphrases for a whole month." "What kind of S-classed mission is that? You made a bet, didn't you!"  This was going to be hell on earth. CRACK FIC!
1. Chapter 1: Hell on Earth

So...I'm up against a deadline. And...I don't want to do it. No nonono! My art show is this week, and I just...gah. So I promised myself if I posted my newest pet creation, then I would have to make art. Ok. *Hyperventilates into a paper bag* please enjoy the product of my procrastination. The chapters will be short and sweet:) And I'll update after the 4rth. Enjoy!

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><p><span>Catchphrases<span>

Holy crap. Troublesome didn't even _begin_ to describe it.

"So what you are saying...Hokage-sama...is that my mission-"

The Hokage rolled her eyes and broke in, unable to deal with his 'I'm going to talk as slowly as possible just to take the piss out of ya' attitude- "That's right troll, you have to replace your catchphrases for a whole month. This is a fucking _s-classed_ mission, so don't fuck it up."

Shikamaru looked at her incredulously. "You made a bet, didn't you?"

Tsunade didn't bat an eyelash. "That's classified information and you don't have clearance."

She could have just as easily said, _"Your ass is grass and I'm a lawn mower."_ Shikamaru sighed. "I don't suppose I can tell Ino and Choji..."  
>"No! This is top <em>fucking<em> secret."

"Um...so I know troublesome is out, but-"

Tsunade grinned- Shikamaru was reminded of a feral cat who had just found a nest of baby mice to play with- and handed him a scroll. "Troublesome, such a drag, and similar words and phrases like this is so _trying_, or how _inconvenient._ Acceptable words and phrases include, dattebayo, that's great, good for you."

"This is really going to suck."

"That would be forbidden phrase number 35."

"How many-" Shikamaru unrolled the scroll and his mouth opened into a little 'o' of horror. "That's a lot of phrases I can't say..." He glared at Tsunade. "So...who made this bet with you?"

"Classified."

"And what's my payment should I successfully complete this mission." It was less of a question and more of a statement.

"Classified."

Shikamaru fought back the urge to face-palm. "And...how will you _know-_"

The older woman waved and broke in yet again, "Oh, that part is easy. You'll be wearing this bug for the next month."

Shikamaru was expecting to see a mosquito or a black widow spider; instead, Tsunade clipped a small, discrete, microphone onto the collar of his uniform. "There will be an ANBU listening on the other end at all times. And you won't take it off. Not even to shower, shit, or shave."

Shikamaru raised an eyebrow. "The black ops don't have anything better to do with their time?"

Tsunade guffawed, "They do what I tell them to do."

Many thoughts ran through Shikamaru's head; most prominent was that he was going to run the tap when he had to take a dump. _Gah._

Shika sighed- "This is going to be-"

Tsunade stepped on his foot.

Shikamaru gulped.

"This is going to be...ok."

The Hokage patted him on the head. "Good boy. Ok, the mission starts now Nara. Good luck!" As a despondent Shikamaru shuffled out of her office, Tsunade chuckled under her breath, "Good luck, 'cause you're going to need it."

"I heard that."

"Shizune! Bring me my sake."

"Hai, Tsunade-sama!"

Shikamaru didn't enjoy being ignored. This was going to be...

No. Not troublesome...

Hell. Hell on earth.

He was pretty sure that phrase was "kosher"...

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><p>hmmm, did you like it? Let me know via the blue review button, ok? Ok:)<p> 


	2. Chapter 2: Trust No One

People, I have problems. I have to bribe myself again tonight. So, another chapter, featuring a short appearance by a pig.

Ino: Fuck you wings, I'm not a pig!

Author: Um...betch...wasn't refering to you. Remove the pole from up your butt.

Ino: Eeep. My bad.

Author: 'sall good blonde.

Ok, enough of that crap. Enjoy!

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><p>Chapter 2<p>

Trust No One

"Shizune...listen...can you tell me-"

"Coming, Tsunade-sama!" Shizune shot Shikamaru a sorrowful glance that seemed to say, 'sorry kid, if I help you I'll have my ass served to me on a platter', and proceeded to serve Tsunade her afternoon sake.

"Damn." Shikamaru winced. He was pretty sure he could say damn...right? Right?

"Oink. Hey kid, down here."

Shikamaru looked at his feet. He blinked incredulously.

"Nani? Tonton, you can talk?"

If pigs could roll their eyes, Shikamaru believed that he just witnessed it. "Obviously. I'm a summon. You think they let any pig in here? And you're supposed to be the smart one." Tonton sniffed at Shikamaru's feet in distain.

"Oi, Tonton, do you...?"

Tonton nodded. "Listen kid, there's a reason this is an s-classed-"

"TONTON! I SO WILL MAKE YOU INTO BACON IF YOU SAY ONE MORE WORD!"

"Tsunade-sama! Tonton is _not_ food!"

"Not yet he isn't! Just wait till I get my hands on him!"

"_Her!_ Tonton is a _girl!"_

Tonton did the piggy approximation of an eye-roll again and whispered, "Trust no one kid. Trust no one. Oink!" Poof. The pig was gone.

What was that supposed to mean?

But Shikamaru supposed that it was dangerous to linger in the Hokage's presence any longer, especially since she and Shizune were fighting and the Godaime had yet to touch her sake. Utilizing all of his ninja skills for self-preservation, he silently exited the Hokage's tower.

_Now what?_ Shikamaru was afraid to speak before he had time to truly memorize the list of words in the scroll. He ran a few scenarios in his head, and decided he should head to the main library to pour over the lexicon of forbidden words and phrases. Sighing, he spun around on his heels and made his way to the eastern side of the village- however, he had gone not more than twenty paces when Ino grabbed him by the shoulders. He grunted in surprise and annoyance.

"Ino...how tr-... tr...um...tremendous to see you."

Ino raised an eyebrow. "Sarcasm will get you nowhere."

"I see."

There was a moment of awkward silence. Ino cleared her throat and continued, "Oi, lazy ass, Choji and I are going to train with Asuma-sensei- you coming?"

Shikamaru shook his head. "I have to...research my next mission."

Ino raised both eyebrows this time. "Wouldn't that usually be, oh, I don't know, too troublesome? Come on, sensei said he would treat us all to barbeque and ice cream after our session today! You're not going to turn down free food, are you?" Because gods knew, Shikamaru _never_ turned down free food. It wasn't that he was a glutton like Choji-kun, it was that it was too troublesome to cook for himself; ergo never passing up a free meal.

Shikamaru grimaced. "I'm sorry, but the Hokage said I needed to do it right away. You guys have fun without me..."

Ino looked at him suspiciously. "There is something off about you today...is something up?"

He clenched his teeth. "Everything is fine, dattebayo."

"What. Did you. Just. Say?"

"Ino, I've got to go, check you later!" Shika ran off, leaving the blonde in his wake. By the time she recovered from the shock, he was gone.

"Something is fucking _wrong_ with that kid..." Ino looked off to where Shikamaru had recently retreated. "Has he been spending time with Naruto-kun? Hum...maybe. Oh! Wait! It's so obvious! Temari is in town and he's on his best behavior! Hence choosing work over free food." She grinned wickedly at this thought. "So, our little Shika-kun is in _loooooove._ I see I have some rumors to spread!" Ino squealed happily as she turned to go towards the training fields.

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><p>Like? Love? Hate? Appreciate? REVIEW or I might cry a little T-T lol!<p> 


	3. Who the beep wrote this beep?

Well hello friends! I'm such a shmuck. I thought I had already updated this fic...and this new chapter was just hanging out on my computer...*facepalms* sorry about that. **Thanks all for your reviews, you rock my socks!** BTW, I have a new poll on my profile- you can vote on which fic I should update first! Since I'm writing four fics at once...*facepalms again* 

Special super awesome thanks to my most useful beta for this chapter, the most elite and super **Ninjakittee**. YOSH!

Anyway, enjoy the show!

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><p>Chapter 3<p>

Who the beep wrote this beep?

Sweat was beginning to bead on our hero's forehead. He had to resist the urge to bash his head on the edge of the table until he bludgeoned himself into delicious delirium. For before him was the list of five-hundred-fifty-six words and phrases he was not allowed to utter, the most memorable examples included: troublesome (duh), bothersome, worrisome, tiresome, irksome, pesky, taxing, enervating...

Suddenly, Shikamaru rose and went to the reference section of the library. He pulled out all twenty-six volumes of the thesauruses he could find on the shelf, and, sweating heavily under the load of dusty tomes, returned to his desk. After a cursory inspection of the entries contained in those hallowed pages, Shikamaru concluded that whatever loon had concocted the list, they had pretty much copied out of the thesaurus word-for-word.

_Who the fuck has that much free time?_

_Well, if they're rich enough to request an s-ranked mission, they're wealthy enough to get some shmuck to do this for them._

_Fuck me._

Trying to raise his decimated spirits, Shikamaru turned to the list of words he actually _could_ use. The entry read as follows: "_All curse words, such as: fuck, asshole, shit, damn, suck it, balls, and douche nozzle, are acceptable._" Well, thank heavens. Douche nozzle made the list. He was really worried there. Ha.

"Who the _fuck_ wrote this _shit_?" Shikamaru took perverse pleasure in uttering this sentence, and he made sure to mutter it close to his concealed microphone.

Behind him, someone gasped. Blushing slightly, Shikamaru turned around to find Hinata staring at him. Her eyes said, 'Well, Shikamaru, I am just appalled!', but her mouth was open in a silent 'o' of horror. Quickly, she hid her mouth with her hand and backed away slowly, then made for the nearest exit.

_Well. That went well._

Shikamaru clenched his teeth and proceeded to read the rest of the list. "_Additionally, you may borrow the catch phrases of others- dattebayo, shannaro, cha, and yosh, for example, are acceptable. A noteworthy exception to this rule are tch, and hn, numbers one-hundred-and-forty-two and one-hundred-and-forty-three, respectively; they are fucking lame catchphrases and will disqualify you from your mission."_ Well, he knew about dattebayo from the get-go; somehow, that one really caught his eye in the Hokage's office. However, he was surprised that the Uchiha bastard's classic lines were not allowed. _Damn! That was my fall back plan!_ _Oh,_ _fuck me in the arse with a rusty pole._

He sighed heavily and proceeded to read the final note, listed under "other." "_Additionally, overuse of sarcasm will disqualify you from your mission. However, sarcasm in moderation is acceptable. You will be allowed 1 instance of sarcasm per day. Going over your allotment means instant death- er, I mean, instant disqualification. Good luck, and have fun!" _The dot of exclamation point at the end of "Good luck and have fun" was a smiley face.

_Shit. I've already used up my sarcasm allotment._

Giving himself a concussion seemed increasingly appealing right about now.…

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><p>:-) Buddha says, review for good luck!<p> 


	4. Chapter 4: The Golden Apple

Hey everyone! Thanks so very much for all the fantastic reviews, subscriptions, yada, yada. Much peas and carrots to you!

Special super duper thanx to my beta, a genius in her own "write" (waka waka!) and spelling bee champion, **Ninjakittee**. You rock my socks! If you haven't read her stuff...well then...like...you should! YOSH!

Quick **note on the chapter title** in case you were wondering: Basically, the Greek Goddesses Hera, Athena, and Aphrodite were all fighting over a golden apple with an inscription on it that said, "to the fairest." Anyway, shit goes down, Paris (who is one hottie of a mortal) picks Aphrodite to be declared the smexiest of them all; she in turn gives him Helen of Troy (another hottie mortal lady who happened to be someone else's wife at the time :0) as his wife, and the Trojan war starts (da da da!). So yeah, basically, **who is the fairest of them all** type deal. With blood and guts afterwards. YOSH!

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><p>Chapter 4<p>

**The Golden Apple**

By the time Shikamaru had exited the library, he had already run fifty-eight-and-a-half scenarios in his head. So far, his top three choices included but were not limited to: duct-taping his mouth shut, coming down with a bad case of laryngitis, and giving himself a concussion (as mentioned previously in chapter 3, if you will recall, dear reader, a concussion seemed particularly appealing to our hero). Shikamaru paused on the steps of the library and tapped his chin in thought.

Dark storm clouds were rolling in. _Clouds...I always liked clouds..._ Shikamaru smiled- yes, today, his precious clouds would rescue him from certain doom. Smirking, he shimmied out of his vest, his long sleeve shirt, and even his undershirt and stuffed them into his bag. The cool spring air sent shivers down his back, and goosebumps appeared by the hundreds across his bare skin. _Looks like it's a perfect day to try out top scenario number two. A horrible cold with a sore throat. Poor, poor me. _Whistling a happy little tune, Shikamaru made his way back to his house.

"Shikamaru! What the hell is wrong with you! GAH! Put on a shirt!" Ino accosted him from across the street; she was pinching her nostrils shut for some reason, and her voice sounded particularly nasal and annoying.

"What a dr...dr...dress you are wearing today Ino."

Ino cocked an eyebrow. "This is the same dress I wear every day."

Shikamaru nodded sagely, "Indeed, it is."

"Whatever, freak. What are you doing strutting around half naked?"

Shikamaru shrugged.

"You're going to catch a cold Shika-kun."

He shrugged again.

"DAMN IT SHIKAMARU, PUT YOUR CLOTHES ON BEFORE I MAKE YOU!"

Shikamaru sighed and chose his words very, very carefully. "Ino, you're not my mother. What did you come here for anyway?"

Somewhat deflated, Ino spat, "Asuma-sensei told me to come and collect you. We're done training and we're going out for food. Sensei said he was proud of you for working so hard on your mission and he wanted to treat you too."

Shikamaru chewed the inside of his cheek. Refusing would be downright rude, if not completely suspicious, at his point. He sighed, and supposed it could not be helped. "Ok, thanks."

Ino rolled her eyes. "Baka! You think you can go out for dinner half-naked? Put a fucking shirt on before you give all your fan girls nosebleeds! Why, I can't believe- blah blah blah..."

Ino's self righteous speech fell on Shikamaru's deaf ears. Really, Ino was much more tolerable once one perfected the art of not-hearing-a-bloody-banality-she-said. Sighing for the umpteenth time that day, Shikamaru replaced his clothing under the wary gaze of his enraged female teammate. _I guess that's that for Operation Influenza. Hmm..._

Ino happily grabbed the brooding male's arm and began dragging him towards the restaurant. Suddenly, a small light bulb went off in Shikamaru's head- bling! _Just because one plan fell through, doesn't mean I can't proceed with plan b. B for...bludgeoning. I really am a genius. This should be a piece of cake with Ino-chaaaaaan..._ Smiling innocently, Shikamaru sung, "You know, I ran a few scenarios in my head today about who the hottest kunoichi is in the village..." _Hook.._

"Oh, really?" Ino purred and looked up at her compatriot with lidded eyes, "And what did you figure out?"

"Well, really it should come as no surprise. Tenten is cute, but is decidedly ordinary compared to Hinata's rarefied features..."

Ino's eyebrows lifted. "I never knew you even thought about _girls,_ Shika-kun. Looks like the testosterone is finally kicking in! Yosh! Anyway, go on, what about all the _other_ kunoichi?" She asked, slightly breathless. _Line..._

Shikamaru proceeded drolly, "But of course, Hinata-chan's demure looks can't compete with you Ino. After all, you've got the long-legs and long-blonde-hair going for you-"

Ino positively beamed, "Oh, Shika-kun! You really do care! I've been wanting to ask you out-"

"Which brings us to the hottest kunoichi in Konoha, Haruno Sakura, who is hotter than all the rest because she, one, has exotic hair, and two, is really strong. I find that attractive in a woman..."

Ino stopped in her tracks. "You mean...your genius brain analyzed all the possible outcomes...and...you think _Sakura_ is hotter than all the other _kunoichi..._?"

Shikamaru nodded nonchalantly. "Hai."

Ino speared him with a death glare. "You think billboard-brow is hotter than _me..._?"

Shikamaru nodded. "Facts are facts...can't argue with that..."

Rage, pure, unadulterated rage began to flow through Ino's veins. "We'll see...what kunoichi is both beautiful...and strong...you ass." She said this quietly, in a hiss of a whisper, as she literally trembled with anger. "You...you fucking PIG! TAKE THIS! AND THIS! AND THIS!"

Shikamaru did not bother fighting back. From the corner of his eyes, he saw that the spectacle was being watched by a large crowd of people. Then, everything turned black as Ino landed a particularly good hit on his skull.

_Sinker..._ was the last thought Shikamaru entertained before the world went completely black.

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><p>an oh, it hurts, it hurts. Well hey kids, I just updated "**No Limes, Lemons, Oranges or Pomelos**" and I think it's the wackiest chapter yet (yes, definitely wacky my dears). So if you feel like it, check it out for more crack-tastic fun:)

oh yes, one more piece of advice. **Every time you review an angel gets its wings:)** *hint hint*


	5. Operation Shiny Shiny Duct Tape

Hi all! Sorry for the delay in updates, but as per my profile's story status section says, I've had to scale back on my updates:( It looks like I'll be updating one crack fic a week, max, and since I'm working on 3 crackfics at once...I'll update this particular fic again in 1-3 weeks (unless you cyber goad the hell outta me with a review! YOSH) In the meantime, you can always check out my crack-tastic one-shot **Bloody Press Conference**, or the best crack-fic chapter I've_ ever_ written (YOSH!) for **OMG! WTF!**, OR the latest chapter of my magnum opus **Aint Nobody Who Can Sing Like Me**. So yeah, plenty of reading material, just spread around lots o different fics, because I'm A.D.D like that! XP

Thanks all so much for your fab reviews and your patience! I have the best readers in the world!

*sobs with joy Guy Sensei style* so- without further ado:

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><p>Chapter 5<p>

**Operation Shiny Shiny Duct Tape**

_"Duct tape is like The Force. It has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the universe together."_

_~ Carl Zwanzig_

"Shikamaru."

No response.

Sakura sighed. "Shikamaru, you can quit faking your coma now."

Still no answer.

"Baka. I _know_ you're awake. Stop faking."

Moan.

"If I don't get a proper verbal response by the time I count to 5, I'm going to punch you in the face. One, two, three..."

_Damn it. I can't believe I said Sakura was the hottest kunoichi in this town. Even if I was just making things up to piss Ino off...Sakura is down right scary. _

"Hey, who's faking? I just woke up. Sh...shit." He had almost said "sheesh", which was forbidden word two-hundred-forty-nine. Whew. Saved again by his genius brain. Nice.

Sakura raised an eyebrow. "Since when did you have such a potty mouth? Now get dressed and get out, you're being discharged."

Shikamaru frowned. "Discharged? But I'm a seriously injured man!"

Sakura rolled her eyes. "And I'm a seriously busy girl. Now get the fuck out."

Not wanting Sakura to do her countdown of doom again, Shikamaru grunted and obliged her. By the time he was dressed and summarily shoved out of his hospital room, Shikamaru decided that he was going to go buy a pack of cigarettes. He was seriously stressed out.

As he made his way to the nearest newspaper-hotdogs-and-cigarette kiosk, Shikamaru went over his options. _Operation Influenza and Operation Concussion were complete failures. But let's not forget about Operation Adhesives..._

"Can I help you young man?"

"I'd like a pack of 'Lucky Kunai' cigarettes, as well as a large role of duct tape."

Shikamaru handed the vendor his very last bill in exchange for the goods. He weighed the two items in his hands. _Ok, I'll smoke a cigarette, and then I'll be sure to tape my mouth shut. This is perfect._ The Nara made his way to a shady bench and began to tap the pack of cigarettes rhythmically against his arm. A few passersby waved at him- he silently waved back in a pleasant fashion. Finally, he took out his lighter, which was encrusted with blue rhinestones and off-set by a yellow smiley face in the middle, and lit his aromatically carcinogenic stick of tobacco. He inhaled. Sweet, sweet, mind-numbing bliss.

It was just at that moment, as Shikamaru leaned back against the bench to admire the clouds while puffing out thick, cloying smoke, when his Troublesome (with a capital T) blonde teammate rounded the corner with Choji in tow.

"SHIKAMARU! PUT THAT CIGARETTE OUT OR SO HELP ME KAMI, I WILL PUT YOU RIGHT BACK IN THE HOSPITAL!" Ino shrieked this like a rabid banshee as she menacingly cracked her knuckles. She often berated him for smoking, as she said it was detrimental to his health, and usually threatened him with severe bodily harm to enforce his compliance with her "altruistic" request. She always, _always_ failed to catch the irony behind her actions, much to Shikamaru's chagrin. Behind her, Choji grinned nervously, as if to say, 'better do what the lady says before she rips you a new asshole, son'.

Shikamaru exhaled slowly. This situation had to be handled very, very carefully. "Hello, Ino, Choji." he replied with extreme nonchalance.

Ino began grinding her teeth. "Did you NOT just hear what I said?" she remarked, incredulous, her eyeballs beginning to pop out of her skull in rage.

Shikamaru took a deliberately long drag of his cigarette and weighed his next words very carefully. Perhaps Operation Shiny Shiny Duct Tape was not the only solution to his conundrum.

"Oi, Ino, I just had sex with Sakura in the broom closet. At the hospital." he added, a bit lamely.

Ino stepped towards him with murderous intent. Choji stood behind her in complete shell shock, then facepalmed and closed his eyes so he would not witness his friend's untimely demise. "It was nice knowing you, Shikamaru. You've been a really good friend. I'll treasure your memory forever." he muttered from behind the shelter of his large hands.

_Operation Coma, commence! Second time's a charm, that's what they say!_

Shikamaru grinned like an idiot and was promptly put out of his misery for the 2nd time within 24 hours by one, violently insane, Yamanaka Ino.

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><p>an if you'd like an update, then please review:)


	6. Chapter 6: Epic Fail

Welcome back everybody! Well, here is your weekly crack-fic fix- hope you enjoy! Thanks again for all your loverly reviews, they are what keeps me updating!

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><p>Chapter 6<p>

**Epic Fail**

_"Silence is Golden, But Duct Tape is Silver"_

_~anonymous_

When Shikamaru came to the next morning, something wet and warm was licking his face. _Either I'm having a delicious sex dream or I'm being molested in my sleep. Ew._ Cautiously, Shikamaru cracked open an eyelid. He was surprised that he was not in the familiar surroundings of Konoha hospital- instead, he realized he was on the very same bench he had been smoking a pleasant cigarette on the day before. And before him was one Akamaru, who apparently decided that Shikamaru smelled bad and needed a shower, which in doggy language translates to a good licking.

"Oi! Akamaru! Cut it out! Bad dog! Tr...tremendously bad dog!" Shit fuck damn, he had almost said the dreaded 'T word' again in his half-asleep state. Shikamaru tried to raise himself up, but realized that he could not move.

"Um...Shikamaru...are you ok?"

Shikamaru would have face-palmed, but as was mentioned previously, he was unable to move.

"Kiba..." Shikamaru closed his eyes and chose his words carefully, "Why can't I move?"

Kiba stroked his non-existent beard and replied discerningly, "Um...you're completely tied up in duct tape...very shiny duct tape I may add."

Shikamaru sighed. It seemed that 'Operation Adhesives' had not only failed, but had backfired. "Would you mind terribly...helping me to get up? I have to urinate."

Kiba nodded sympathetically, "I would, but there's a sign over your head that says, quote, 'untie this asshole and I'll murder you. Love, Ino.' So no, I'd rather not go there. But hey, have a great day! Oh, and also, someone drew a whole set of cock-and-balls on your face." Kiba stood there and started counting silently on his fingers. "Ten sets of cock-and-balls if I'm not mistaken, all in different colors. Wow, I didn't know they made sharpie pens in magenta and gold! Nice!"

Shikamaru winced. "Um, Kiba-"

Kiba started laughing, "Oh man, there's a giant lime-green dick drawn over your mouth, it looks like you're about to-"  
>"THANK YOU, Kiba. Really. You can go now."<p>

"Man, you must have really pissed Ino off. Later Shika, good luck with everything!" the dog handler replied oh-so-cheerfully.

Shikamaru glowered silently as Kiba and his oversized puppy retreated in the distance.

_I don't think this day could get any worse. Damn it, I really have to pee..._

Just then, who should round the corner but-

"Oh no. Oh dear gods, _no_, anyone but _her."_

"Why, Shika-kun, it appears that someone has tied you up with duct tape and drawn male genitalia all over your adorable, lazy face."

Shikamaru wished that he could enjoy the satisfaction of facepalming himself, really, really hard just then. Through clenched teeth, he managed, "Ohio, Temari."

"O-hi-o yourself."

_Ok, NOW this day can't get any worse._

Unfortunately, the lackadaisical genius was dead wrong again.

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><p>an tee-hee:) Well, if you would like more reading, I did just update "**Aint Nobody Who Can Sing Like Me**"

otherwise, **please review or Ino will break out the duct-tape on yer sorry arse:) XD**


	7. Chapter 7: Bribery

Hello friends! Thanks for all yer reviews and what not. So, a horde of plot bunnies visited me this morning, and I've actually written quite a few chapters for this fic. Would you like another update for this story? **If this chapter gets 10 reviews before the week is out, I'll update another chappy this very week**. YOSH!

;)

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><p>Chapter 7<p>

**Bribery**

"Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere,

diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies."

~**Groucho Marx**

"So..." Shikamaru dawdled, "What brings you into town?"

Temari chuckled and waved evasively, "Oh, you know. Ninja stuff."

"Right. Ninja stuff...You in a hurry?"

"Not in particular..." She withdrew a kunai and twirled it idly on her finger. "Why do you ask?"

"Um...I'm hoping you could help me out of a bind." _Dear gods, why, why me?_

Temari nodded slowly. "If I'm to take you literally...it seems like you need help extracting yourself from copious amounts of duct tape."

_She's deliberately playing with me. Like a fat cat and a bird with a broken wing. Fuck. _Shikamaru took a deep breath- he would not let this irksome female ruffle his proverbial feathers, oh hells no! He coughed politely. "Seems like that's the case. Yep."

Temari continued to spin her kunai on her right index finger, but did not respond.

"Um...please?" Shikamaru added, a bit lamely.

"Hmmm..."

"With a fucking cherry on top?"

"Ummmmm..."

"And whipped cream..."

"Damn. Now you're getting all kinky." She winked at him.

"Oh shit- I didn't mean it like-"

Temari waved and cut off his inelegant apology, "So. If I cut you loose, what's in it for me?"

Shikamaru sighed; he had hoped it wouldn't come to bribery. "Um..."

Temari broke in again, completing her thought, "How about if I help you, you'll buy me breakfast? Because I just got back from some early morning training, and I'm _super_ hungry...I'm in the mood for a large stack of pancakes and possibly some ice cream for dessert." She licked her lips, and Shikamaru gallantly tried to ignore the double entendre.

"I'm out of cash, but I could stop off at home and get some...that is, if you untie me first."

_Damn it! Why am I agreeing to this!_ Shikamaru sighed; obviously, he was agreeing to her unsavory offer because he had no choice. While spending time with Temari was sure to jeopardize his mission, if he remained tied to the bench for much longer, he was going to pee his pants. Which would jeopardize his standing as one of Konoha's most elite nin. Shika really did _not_ want to become known as the 'bed wetting' Nara or the 'genius of the yellow sprinkle'; he much preferred plain old 'lazy ass'.

Temari's mouth twitched upwards in a feral grin. She stopped spinning her weapon and began to slice through the duct tape. She was uncomfortably close to him. Trying to break the awkward silence, Shikamaru offered, "So...you're not afraid of my psychopath of a teammate?" He gestured with his head toward Ino's 'love note' taped to the bench above his head.

Temari snorted. "That betch? I could take her down in 30 seconds flat." She grinned and then gave the tape a hard yank- in an animated swirl of dizzy revolutions, the duct tape was pulled from his body in an instant, as Shikamaru spun around in countless nauseating circles.

"There, all done." Temari was amazingly swift at removing all the duct tape- Shikamaru swooned, and sat back down on the bench, too dizzy to stand as he swallowed back the bile rising in his throat. He rubbed his aching arms, which were tremendously sticky and red from the rapid unbinding.

"Why don't you run home and take a shower- after all, I'm not letting you take me out while your body is covered in sticky goo and your face is full of rainbow colored dicks- and I'll meet you at the Leaf Diner in half an hour?"

Shikamaru nodded as he rose and began running to his house- "See you!"

Now that he was free, he had no intention of meeting up with his arch nemesis. His basic plan was to: pee, shower, disguise, and hide, in that order. Unfortunately for him, Temari was an elite ninja, an excellent strategist, and a very hungry kunoichi who was not about to give up a free pancake breakfast at the expense of one, Nara Shikamaru. Utilizing all of her ninja stealth, she followed Shikamaru back to his house. It really took a lot of self-control to hold back her evil laughter.

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><p>an** if you'd like an update, please review:)**


	8. Chapter 8: Pancakes

Sorry I didn't have time to thank you all personally, via PM, for your rad reviews! Will do it tomorrow...now, I must sleep... Well, we reached over ten reviews today (YOSH) so as promised, an extra long, extra cracktastic chapter. Reviews will feed my urge to update:) Also, let it be known that this was written before episode 220 came out- could I have read Kishi's mind with my magical ninja powers regarding the bit between Konohamaru and Naruto? YOSH, sexy-no-jutsu!

Well...

ARIGATO you horribly addicted crack fic readers you!

;P

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><p>Chapter 8<p>

**Pancakes**

"_The laziest man I ever met put popcorn in his pancakes so they would turn over by themselves."_

~W.C. Fields

(American comedian, actor, juggler and writer:)

His shit, shower, and shave completed, it was time to put on a costume, the perfect disguise with which to evade one, semi psychotic, Sand kunoichi. Shikamaru opened his closet.

"Hmmm...I've got a black spandex onesie from Gai sensei...definite no. Hmmmm..."

Unfortunately, besides the spandex fashion blunder that had been a gift from the jolly green jonin for his last birthday, his closet held ten exact replicas of his boring old uniform. Oh dear. Digging deeper into his wardrobe, he found a pair of chunky glasses replete with handlebar mustache and fuzzy eyebrows, a Mexican hat, a pair of vampire teeth, a curly pink wig, and a long lost forgotten pack of 'Lucky Kunai' cigarettes, marked 'For emergencies only'. _Well, this is definitely an emergency..._

Shikamaru sighed. "Well, at least the cigarettes will help to...yeah." He was going to say, 'will help to dull the pain of my marginal, tortured existence', but he wasn't really sure if it was acceptable to utter this as per the rules of his mission, and he remembered at that moment that he was being monitored by some ANBU twit with nothing better to do than to pick his nose and eavesdrop on his pathetic life. Shikmaru facepalmed and put on the various and sundry items of halloweens past, though he did gloss over the black spandex outfit. _No one needs to see my package in high definition like that...I am not David Bowie and this is not Labrynth. How unbelievably troublesome..._

Quiet as a ninja could be, Shikamaru slipped out of his back door-

"Well hello."

_Shit._

Temari replied, blithely, "It seems as though the kaleidoscopic sharpie induced cocks of doom have washed off of your face relatively well...although I can still make out the faint outlines." She grinned, a feral expression usually reserved for mountain lions about to rip the leg off of a fleeing deer, and continued, "So. Are you taking me to a costume themed restaurant for breakfast?"

"I was merely testing your sense of humor."

Temari raised an eyebrow. "Is that so?"

Shikamaru stifled a sigh and chucked his ineffective costume back into the house. _And people call me a genius..._

Temari laughed, "And people call you a genius."

Feeling an eerie sense of deja vu, Shikamaru facepalmed; he was sure it left a mark this time. "You know me, genius of Konoha."

_Oh shit, there goes my sarcasm allotment for the day! What a waste! Gah!_

Temari scoffed, "If you're a genius, then I hate to see the rest of your village...waka waka!"

At that moment, Naruto- in all his sexy jutsu glory- was being chased by Konohamaru, who was also in sexy jutsu mode.

"Naruto-nii-saaaaaaan wait up!" Konohamaru's faux cleavage bounced heavily as he jogged. Apparently, bras were not included in the sexy-no-jutsu.

"Konohamaru, if you can't keep up with me in high heels, then don't bother calling yourself a ninja!" Naruto slapped his sexy, girly ass, clad only in the skimpiest of bikini bottoms, and rounded the corner.

Konohamaru followed and the two disappeared from sight. Unfortunately, Shikamaru caught a glance of Konohamaru's poorly concealed thong as he fled, causing the so-called genius to facepalm for what must have been the hundredth time that day.

"Point proven..." Temari muttered, tapping her lips in amusement.

Without further ado, Temari took his hand in hers and began dragging the hapless ninja to the local diner, while neglecting to tell him that his vampire fangs were still firmly affixed to his front teeth. He reached for a cigarette from his newly found treasure trove of cancer sticks, but Temari summarily grabbed the whole pack out of his hands and chucked it in the nearest waste bin.

"Tch. For a genius, you are so dumb. Don't you know those things will kill you?"

Temari might as well have revealed herself to be a serial murderer of puppies and all things cute and cuddly, the way Shikamaru was eyeing her.

"Yes..." Shikamaru ran a nervous hand through his hair and continued, "But I really need my morning fix..." His body moved towards the trashcan of its own volition.

Temari yanked him back and resumed dragging his sorry ass down the street. "Come on Shikamaru, I'm sure it's nothing a little blueberry pancake can't fix."

Shikamaru couldn't think of anything to say that wasn't sarcastic or explicitly forbidden, so he said nothing.

"You're awfully quiet today." Temari eyed him askance, before she shouted, "Ah! Here we are, the Leaf Diner! Booth for two please!"

The waitress smiled at them and called over her shoulder, as she led them to their table, "So cute! Are you two a couple?"

Shikamaru paled, while Temari murmured, "That's for me to know and you to find out." She grinned cheekily at her own witticism and winked at the waitress.

The Nara sat down and cradled his head in his hands; he could feel the onset of a headache coming on, but whether it was from nicotine withdrawal or from troublesome women, he wasn't quite sure.

Temari turned to the waitress and stated, "He'll have a large coffee, black, no sugar, and I'll take a chai with extra foam on top. Oh, and swirls of chocolate syrup."

The waitress spared her a saucy glance before slyly replying, "You even order his beverage like you're his girlfriend. Are you sure you're not a couple?"

Shikamaru resisted the urge to facepalm and instead ground his teeth.

Temari just laughed and waved the waitress off to fetch their caffeinated beverages.

_God damn it. I like my coffee with cream and two lumps of sugar. Damn damn damn._

"What's wrong honey buns?" Temari cooed as she sided up to him in the booth.

He wanted to say, 'Nothing sugar lips', but alas, as was mentioned previously, he had wasted his precious sarcasm allotment for the day on a statement that wasn't even that funny. So instead he forced himself to smile. It looked more like a grimace.

"Nothing. Just tired."

Temari grinned and put her arm around him. "Hope you brought a lot of cash, because I'm starved. I'll probably pack away _at least _two orders of blueberry pancakes and about three slices of cherry pie."

"Dattebayo."

Temari tittered at that.

_I feel naked and helpless without my catchphrases. Like a newborn fucking babe. Somebody, please help me. _Shikamaru silently sent that prayer to whatever gods might be listening at the moment for his deliverance.

Just then, who should walk into the diner but one, Yamanaka Ino, followed by her best-friend-4-eva, Haruno Sakura.

Shikamaru gazed heavenward. _That's not what I had in mind you sick, sick excuse for a deity._

Temari ruffled his hair and started telling him something to do with cave men and Kankuro, while Ino spotted him and speared him with a look of pure spite and malice.

Shikamaru didn't even bother praying to a higher power this time.

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><p>an if you thought that was good, just wait till the next chapter. **Reviews are the whip that keeps me updating!** *wichaaaa!* (that was the sound of a whip cracking...which, metaphorically speaking, was someone giving me a review...man, that's twisted...!) :P


	9. Chapter 9: Sounds Trashy

Hello friends! I really tried my best to respond to all your reviews via PM; please forgive me if I haven't personally thanked you. My mother is in town and I seem to be suffering from a perpetual migraine; suffice to say, I appreciate you all very, very much!

:)

also, there is a **new playlist up for this fic**, a collection of apropos music available for free via grooveshark. The link is in my profile:)

Or you can take out the extra spaces here:

**grooveshark . com /playlist/Catchphrases/57109094**

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><p>Chapter 9<p>

**Sounds Trashy**

"_The dying process begins the minute we are born, but it accelerates during dinner parties." _

~Carol Matthau

"Shika-kun, were you listening? I was just inviting you to Kankuro's first, semi-annual caveman party."

Startled, Shikamaru muttered, "What now?"

Temari tsked at him. It reminded him very much of his mother. "Silly, I'm inviting you to a theme party. Tonight. At our hotel."

"Sounds tr... trashy."

"Nani!" She looked like she was getting ready to swat him.

Shikamaru backpedaled hastily, "Um...I like trashy..."

"Oh. Good! So you'll come then!" Temari threw her arms around him and captured him in a bear hug.

"Sure. I can't say no, can I?" _Because if I say no I will risk decapitation by an oversized fan...or being squeezed to death in your overeager embrace._

"Well, I already know you have a penchant for playing dressing up, so you'll certainly enjoy the party."

Shikamaru raised an eyebrow and was about to say something, but the waitress delivered their drinks. He took a deep gulp of the bitter coffee sans any amendments, burning his tongue before replying, "It's a costume party?"

"For a genius you sure are slow. It's a caveman party, ergo you must dress like a caveman."

"I see. What a dr... dressy idea." Shikamaru took a more cautious sip of coffee this time. _Must wake up! Dangerously close to calling this whole thing a drag! Danger, danger! _But damn, his coffee tasted downright awful...

"Shika-kun?"

"Mmmm?"  
>"The hot coffee is making your vampire fangs melt."<p>

"Oh shit muffins!" Had he been wearing the dratted things this whole time? She hadn't said a damn thing until now!

Temari guffawed and held her sides in while the genius removed said fangs. It was delicate work, as the plastic was oozing all over his mouth and stuck to his teeth. After fussing for a while, he turned to Temari and barred his teeth. "Did I get it all?"

Temari procured a napkin and proceeded to wipe the rest of the tacky plastic off of his grimace. "There you go sweetheart, all better. Though you might need a new cup of coffee, I think there's an oily plastic sheen on your beverage now."

Wow. Shikamaru did not enjoy the matronizing tone Temari was using with him. In retaliation, he grabbed her sugary girly drink and took a few gulps. "Sorry, had to get the taste of burning plastic out of my mouth."

Temari grinned, the feral grin of 'you are so going to pay for that, I'm a mountain lion and you are a ruminant'; she leaned over and licked the foam off of Shikamaru's upper lip with swift, deft motions of her tongue. Shikamaru could feel his face flushing stop-sign red. He spared a glance for Ino's booth and wished he hadn't; the girl was looking his way with positively _violent_ intentions.

Shikamaru cleared his throat and offered, awkwardly, "I see you seriously like foam..."

Temari's animal grin only increased in viciousness. "You have no idea..."

_Oh sweet Kami NO!_

Thankfully, at that moment the waitress came and took their order; Shikamaru proceeded to ignore the double entendre as if his life depended on it- he was beginning to think that maybe it did...

Temari looked down at the menu and in her best, business-like tone, stated, "I would like three orders of blueberry pancakes with extra maple syrup and whipped cream. The fellow next to me will take one stack of blueberry pancakes with..." Here Temari paused to tap her lips before continuing, "With butter and a moderate amount of syrup."

The waitress winked at them. "Be right back with your order!"

Before he could stop himself, he muttered, "You sure eat a lot for a girl."

"What! Are you calling me fat?"

Shikamaru put out his hands defensively and muttered, "You're an extremely muscular ninja who just did a lot of training. Of course you'd be famished. I'm just impressed is all."

Temari winked at him and placed a hand on his lower back.

_What the- did she just pinch my ass? Oh sweet mother of blueberry pancakes!_

Shikamaru's face turned scarlet again, and to try and distract her from his posterior, he ventured, "So...tell me more about this caveman party..."

Temari grinned and began babbling; however, Shikamaru tuned her out, his anxiety mounting as he saw Sakura and Ino approach their table from the other side of the diner.

_Shit._

Shikamaru wondered if the pancakes Temari had just ordered for him would be his last meal.

It was a shame really, because he honestly preferred buttermilk pancakes himself.

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><p>an Step one: click on blue button below. Step two: submit review. Step three: Happy dance. =^.^=


	10. Chapter 10: Mentally Deranged Females

a/n Well hi-dy ho! Y'all are looking nice today! Oh my word. Well, welcome back to the fic! Thanks very muchly for all your reviews- I apologize if I wasn't able to PM you my personal thanks, I'm in between visits from my mom and my in-laws, so I'm a bit scrambled...like an egg. This is your brain, this is your brain on parental units. Gah. Anyway, I am very grateful and love you all very much, yosh!

Anyway, enjoy!

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><p>Chapter 10<p>

**Mentally Deranged Females**

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><p><em><strong>Jibby Newsome<strong>__: I'm... [pause] making love.  
><em>_**Heather**__: [moans] making love.  
><em>_**Jibby Newsome**__: You know what nobody ever told me 'bout making love?  
><em>_**Heather**__: What?  
><em>_**Jibby Newsome**__: How borin' it is.  
><em>_**Heather**__: Yeah!  
><em>_**Jibby Newsome**__: [pause] You can do anything you want. My safe word is __blueberry pancakes. _

~"The Goods- Live Hard, Sell Hard"

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><p>"Why Sakura-chan, Ino-chan, what a pleasant surprise!" Temari greeted oh-so-cheerfully. "What brings you to our table?" She took a large bite of pancakes that their nosey waitress had just delivered, and batted her eyelashes at the two fuming kunoichi looming over her table.<p>

Ino, never one for subtlety, blurted out, "Are you two fuck nuts dating?"

Shikamaru, who at the time had taken a bite of his pancakes (blueberry pancakes were not his favorite, but still pretty darn tasty. He enjoyed it despite himself, truly) promptly began to choke on a chunk of warm blueberry goo.

Temari continued to flutter her eyelashes at the accusatory blonde and purred, "I wouldn't call it dating, though I suppose we _could_ be on a date right now..."

Shikamaru struggled for breath, but couldn't quite manage to get the offending piece of fruit that had lodged itself in his trachea to move. _Oh dear lord...I'm a dead man._ He was pretty sure if the blueberry didn't kill him, his irate teammate would.

"Well then Temari-_san_, it might interest you to know that Shikamaru-_kun_ has been spreading rumors about how he and I have been _fornicating_ in a _broom closet._" Sakura crossed her arms against her flat bosom and glared at the Nara, who had finally managed to clear his throat.

However, he had no time to explain himself to the pink-headed kunoichi, for Temari chimed in, "And _did you_ have sex with Shikamaru-kun in said broom closet?"

Sakura rolled her eyes. "I have better things to do than Shikamaru. He'd probably be so lazy in the sack that I'd have to do all the work; I'm not into pillow queens."

Shikamaru began to choke again, this time on his own spit.

"However," Ino broke in, "what I don't understand is why jerkface over there-" and here she pointed quite menacingly at the Nara currently undergoing the throes of asphyxiation- "would lie about something like this?"

"Perhaps he was making a joke?" Temari offered around a mouthful of blueberry pancake.

"Shikamaru doesn't joke," Ino spat, "I can only imagine he was using it as an excuse to make me angry!" Ino chewed her bottom lip and placed her hands on her hips. "Now I see why he would be so cruel- he was interested in dating _you_ this whole time!"

_Oh shit muffins of doom. What have I gotten myself into? _Shikamaru took a cautious sip of water and tried to think about his escape plan; however, his genius brain was feeling quite foggy at the moment. Either he had developed a food allergy to blueberry pancakes, he hadn't received enough oxygen in the past five minutes for his brain to function properly, or he had suffered one too many concussion in the past 24 hours. Or possibly, a combination of all three...

"Now now girls," Temari replied soothingly, "why not let bygones be bygones? In any event, I'm glad you stopped by our table. I'd like to invite you to Kankuro's first semi-annual cave man party tonight. Won't you come?"

"Is Shika-no-douchebag going to be there?" Ino asked vehemently.

Temari nodded, a sweet smile plastered to her face.

"Oh, then we will certainly be there," Sakura murmured.

Shikamaru coughed. "Ah, I just remembered, I have a previous engagement tonight. I don't think I'll be able to make it after all!"

"Oh Shikamaru, you are such a kidder!" Temari chortled as she hooked an arm around his shoulders. "Besides, I brought a whole kilo of Suna's world famous cocain. You are _not_ going to want to miss out on that!"

Shikamaru's dark eyes became as large as the plates upon which their pancakes rested. "You have what what what now?"

"It's called coke, blow, jellybeans, nose candy. Surely a genius like you must know-"

"I _know_ what cocain is Temari-_san_, but what I don't understand is why you were permitted to bring it into Konoha- it _is_ illegal here," Shikamaru replied as evenly as he could.

"Oh, I made a little deal with your Hokage-sama. Turns out she has a penchant for more than just sake."

Shikamaru facepalmed. _I definitely can't go to this party. The last place I want to be is in Temari's hotel room, blasted out of my mind on drugs which she will undoubtedly force up my nose via a plastic straw, surrounded by faux cave people._ He was about to offer his opinion on controlled substances, and the correlation between it and why Suna was such a barbaric place, but Ino piped up.

"Oh, nice Temari-san. We will definitely make it to your shindig!"

Temari nodded amicably. "Make sure to tell all your friends!"

"For fucking sure Temari-san!" Sakura yelped. Shikamaru was perturbed as to why Sakura seemed especially excited about the party; he supposed that she had the same addictive, drug addled propensities as her shishou. _I suppose the proverbial apple doesn't fall far from the god damn tree. Gah. This is madness..._

Shikamaru held his head in his hands and mumbled to himself, "I'm surrounded by crazy kunoichi. Oh my fucking gwad..."

Sakura twitched. "What did you say, Shika-_kuuuuuuuun_?"

Temari replied blithely, "I think he just called you a crazy betch."

"WHAT WHAT WHAT?" Sakura had had quite enough of the so-called genius; first he claimed to have shtupped her in the hospital broom closet of all places, and now he had muttered something rather offensive about her person. He was _so_ toast. And she was a metaphorical toaster oven! And following that logic, Shikamaru was about to get _burned..._

And before Shikamaru could defend himself against Temari's allegations, Sakura's fist, enhanced with monstrous strength, met his skull with a sickening thwack!

_I didn't even get to finish my pancakes,_ he thought mournfully as the room went black and Shikamaru passed out from yet another run in with blunt trauma induced by a mentally deranged female.

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><p>an oh my! If you would like an update, do review!

In other news, my sequel to "Aint Nobody Who Can Sing Like Me" should be up soon- hopefully by tonight if I can get my act together! Yosh!

And now, please click on the blue button below:) Your reviews are my fanfic crack and I need a fix (eep! drugs are bad, m'kay?)


	11. Chapter 11: Schadenfreude

Hey kids! I'm super sorry if I didn't get to respond personally to your review, I've been hella busy! Anyway, I will do my best to respond to the next round- thanks so much for reading, reviewing, and for being patient with my updates!

Ooooh and I've been working on the playlist to this fic- it freakin rules and it's up at **http :/ / grooveshark. com/playlist/Catchphrases/57109094**

Either take out all those space or catch the link in my profile.

And without further ado...

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><p>Chapter 11<p>

**Schadenfreude**

_Lisa: Dad, do you know what schadenfreude is?  
>Homer: No, I do not know what schadenfreude is, please tell me because I am dying to know...<em>  
>-The Simpsons, "When Flanders Failed"<p>

The rosy light of predawn filtered in through his hospital window, coloring everything it touched with a soft mauve hue. Shikamaru could only just make out the shapes of things in his room. Catheter. Monitor. Nightstand. The horizontal bars of the blinds clanked against the window in a faint breeze, but besides the irregular noises it made, the room was blessedly silent.

It was within this comforting womb of silence that Shikamaru did what he did best: he thought. He realized that his first mistake regarding the follies of the past few days was in not taking the precious time to think, analyze, synthesize, etcetera. When he was robbed of the ability to utter his catchphrases, he felt as though he had lost a precious part of his identity, forgetting that his true claim to fame was his genius. Through neglecting his oversized brain, he had fallen into peril.

I mean really, what kind of genius formulates a plan wherein his best asset is repeatedly bashed in?

And seriously, was losing the ability to utter his catchphrases truly that bad?

Well...it was really that bad. But! The important thing to remember was that it wasn't the end of the world. The lovely blue and green planet upon which they resided continued to revolve, and likewise, the gears inside Shikamaru's head still turned, albeit a tad more slowly as a result of one-too-many-head-traumas.

And this was how Sakura found Shikamaru a few hours later as she opened the creaking door to his room: his brows furrowed, his eyes narrowed, and his hand stroking a non-existent beard as if he was contemplating some great veiled mystery. Sheepishly, the pink-haired medic mumbled, "Ohio, Shikamaru-san."

Startled out of his thoughts by the squeak of the door and the polite greeting of the scary female, Shikamaru instinctively flinched. _Dear gods...why is __**she**__ my medic?_ Shikamaru glumly thought, with just a twinge of terror, that Tsunade giving him Sakura as his nurse was very much like handing over the Kyubi to Uchiha Madara for safekeeping. In that moment, he confirmed in his thoughts that the Hokage had a vendetta against him, and that he should explore his options for a new career as a rogue ninja...or on a brighter note, perhaps Mist or Stone were hiring?

Sakura, noticing Shikamaru's apparent discomfort, raised a hand and waved self deprecatingly while shrinking a bit under his anxious scrutiny. "Um...Tsunade-sama gave me a talking to. Apparently, she's issued a new rule that no one is allowed to bludgeon your head under pain of death. Heh, heh."

Shikamaru blinked slowly. "Oh. That was...nice of her," he remarked, somewhat surprised at Tsunade's thoughtfulness.

Sakura shrugged, sycophantically smiling. "She said if you lost any more brain cells, it would jeopardize your mission...apparently, she has quite the bet riding on it."

_That's it. I'm joining the Akatsuki._

Shikamaru took a deep breath. _No, joining the Akatsuki isn't going to help anything. I just have to stick to the plan._ For he had just spent the past few hours formulating _quite _the plan, and he shouldn't let all that plotting go to waste, now, should he? Forcing himself to smile, he finally replied, "Sakura-san, I've been wanting to speak with you. I've received some...disturbing news about Uchiha Sasuke."

Sakura became instantly alert at the mention of her angsty heart throb; her voice climbed up a few decibels as she gasped, "Sasuke-kun! What's wrong with him!"

Sasuke had been acting even more emo than usual, ostensibly due to his curse seal acting up again; ergo Sakura's overbearing concern. She took Shikamaru's hand in hers and clenched it tightly until he lost all feeling in the captive extremity.

Steadying his voice, he whispered, "We can't talk here...the walls have ears. Let's go...outside..."

Sakura covered her gasp with her hand, apparently spooked by the Nara's need for privacy regarding the upcoming revelation on Sasuke. Shikamaru slowly got out of bed, smoothed his rumpled clothing, and strode into the hallway— but not before grabbing a stack of post-its and a pen from the nightstand.

After Shikamaru had led the teary-eyed medic through the echoing, empty halls of the hospital, and wove his way towards a cluster of oak trees outside, Sakura could contain herself no more.

"Shikamaru-san, please, tell me, what's wrong with Sasuke-kun?"

Shikamaru sighed. _Seriously, what isn't wrong with Sasuke-kun?_ Instead, he began scribbling furiously on a pink post-it as he whispered, "Like I said...I received some disturbing news about the Uchiha, and I wanted to confirm my data." He shook his head at her, and in contrast to his words, handed her the note which read, '_We're being recorded, even now_—_ I'm bugged. This is top secret. Just play along...'_

Sakura blinked in confusion and ventured, "Um...what do you mean?"

Shikamaru nodded; he could tell from her tone of voice that her response was truly to his scrawled message, and not to his verbal subterfuge. "I had the misfortune of walking by Ichiraku's the other night..." Meanwhile, he handed her a note which read, '_I have the misfortune of being placed in an S-class mission right now; I need you to verify something about this mission in Tsunade's files for me.'_

Shikamaru cleared his throat and continued, "And I heard him saying something rather disconcerting to Naruto. I wanted to confirm something with you, since you have clearance, as it were, with them." He handed her another magenta note which read, '_Only you have the clearance to go through the Hokage's files...'_

Sakura's eyes widened a fraction before they narrowed again. "And what do I get if I confirm or disconfirm this alleged...something?" Sakura asked in a calculating tone.

"I think it's fair, since you recently gave me a concussion...that you do it as a favor?" Shikamaru asked, his voice tinged with hope.

"A concussion... which you deserved... does not equal me doing something for you as a _favor._"

Shikamaru closed his eyes and prayed to Kami for strength before replying, "What is it that you want?"

Sakura fluttered her eyes. "Be my date to Kankuro's first semi annual cave man party tonight."

"Nani! I thought that was _last_ night?" Shikamaru asked, unable to keep the sheer terror out of his voice.

Sakura shook her head. "They rescheduled it in light of your recent medical emergency." Sakura neglected to mention the fact that _she_ was the root _cause_ of his aforementioned blunt trauma. Gah. Troublesome women! Sakura continued, "Wasn't that sweet of them? I think Temari really wants you to come!" she chimed in a syrupy sweet voice. Shikamaru closed his eyes and ignored the double entendre that he was _sure_ was intentional on Sakura's part.

Shit. Of all the things she had to ask... Temari and Ino were going to kill him for bringing Sakura as his date. And lord knows why Sakura wanted him as her date in the first place... The pink-haired kunoichi was certainly putting him in an uncomfortable position. But on the other hand, he really, _really_ needed Sakura to gather this information, as per his super genius plan.

He sighed.

"Sure." He furiously began to scribble another note.

"So...what is the 'something' that you need me to look into?"

"I have reason to believe that Uchiha Sasuke... is gay..." Shikamaru deadpanned while he handed her a note which read, '_Find out who commissioned my current mission.' _Really, finding out the small detail of who had instigated this hoax of an S-classed mission should be child's play for Sakura. Shikamaru was pretty sure that finding out the initiator of said dreaded mission would not invalidate it; it was only important that he remain in the dark about the truly classified parts of the mission, right? Furthermore, if no one ever found out about the slight misdemeanor, well then, no harm, no foul...right? Right.

Sakura cackled, but whether her laughter was in response to what he wrote or what he said, he was not sure. "So you want me to confirm...that Sasuke is, indeed, gay?" As she said the word 'gay', she made a motion in the air to signify quotation marks with her index and middle fingers.

Shikamaru nodded. "Yep. For reasons I can't disclose, it is really, _really_ important."

"Well. Shouldn't be too hard to find out. No problem, Shika-kuuuuuuun!" she cooed.

Shikamaru closed his eyes once again and hoped that this plan really _was_ genius, and not just the result of trying to think too hard, after suffering the death of too many brain cells via the fists of violent Kunoichi.

_Well. At this point, I guess I have no choice but to see how it goes..._ our hero ruefully thought.

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><p><em>Meanwhile...<em>

Anko ran around the ANBU surveillance tower with an evil, sadistic grin on her face. "Oi! Numbnuts!" she called over to Kakashi, whose face was currently ensconced in a book o porn. The one-eyed ninja surreptitiously placed a hand over his balls before Anko could fondle them; instead, her outstretched hand met with only with his knuckles.

"What do you want, Anko-_chan_?" he asked in his typical bored tone.

"Senpai! Your student, Sasuke, is totally gay! And I'm pretty sure Shikamaru has the hots for him!"

The surprised copy nin dropped his precious porn, and Anko took the opportunity, while Kakashi's guard was down, to smack his shielding hand away in order to grope his crotch.

Ignoring his yelp of protest, Anko smiled a shit-eating-grin and with ninja speed, dodged his violent fist. "Ta-ta Kakashi-kun, I don't have any time to flirt now, I've totally got to spread this rumor around!"

Kakashi readjusted his poor, mistreated family jewels before picking up his beloved porn from the floor and muttering, "Damn. Anko really gives schadenfreude a new meaning." He truly hoped that Anko hadn't been invited to Kankuro's first, semi-annual cave man party that night... Just in case, he endeavored to wear a sports cup to the night's festivities in order to protect his future, unborn progeny from unintentional sterilization at the hand of one, mentally unwell, ball-gripping kunoichi.

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><p>an oh boy, next chapter is going to be the party! I can hardly wait!

BTW, I've recently posted a bunch of chappys to my latest and greatest fic, **"Song of Aether"**- I would love it so if you would check it out! It's up at** www. fanfiction. net/s/7283582/1/Song_of_Aether**

...minus those two, well placed spaces of course!

But of course, feel free to click that blue button below before you move on- reviews fuel my youthful fires of updating! YOSH! (oh gods, that sounded lame, even to me...just review damn it so I can stop embarrassing myself. Please.)


	12. 12: Two Two Tasers and a Microphone

Oh shit muffins! It's been like a month since I updated...I'm sorry guys, I've been using all my fanfic energy to write "Song of Aether" (incidentally, I'm almost done writing the rough draft to that fic...you should check it out if you have the chance, I'm super proud of it:) But yeah, what the hell Wings? What's up with abandoning "Catchphrases"?

BAD, BAD WINGS!

You guys rule. **I can't believe this fic hit 100 reviews- oh man do you guys rock my world!** Thanks for so many of your comments, reviews, subscriptions, etc; for your epic awesomeness, here is an update. Please don't hate me for not updating sooner, 'cause I'm really, REALLY sorry :X

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><p><strong>Chapter 12: two two tasers and a microphone<strong>

_There's a destination a little up the road  
>From the habitations and the towns we know<br>A place we saw the lights turn low  
>Jig-saw jazz and the get-fresh flow<br>Pulling out jives and jamboree handouts  
>Two turntables and a microphone<br>Bottles and cans and just clap your hands and just clap your hands_

_Where it's at I got two two tasers and a microphone_  
><em>Where it's at I got two two tasers and a microphone...<em>

~Beck, _Where It's At_ (Improved by Winged Mercury...)

Later that night, Shikamaru found himself clad in brown scraps of leather, his hand held tightly by Sakura as she led him to the Sand Sibling's hotel room. Shikamaru idly noted that Sakura's hand was moist in his, while her free hand fingered the red corsage pinned to her skimpy leather, lace, and bones get-up. Unfortunately, when Shikamaru's mother had found out that he had a _date_, she had insisted that Shikamaru furnish said date with a flower. How. Troublesome.

His mother had squealed, fawned and fretted over him, because unfortunately, this was his _very first date._ And it was with _Haruno Sakura._ He couldn't be more upset if he was Choji last summer, when his parents said they were taking him to an all-you-can-eat-buffet, but instead dropped him off at fat camp. But whereas Shikamaru had sent the exiled Choji many a chocolate bar via fed-x, who would send him his metaphorical salvation in the form of refined sugar and cacao? _The best I can hope for is a line of blow and a quick kick to the head tonight... _Except that the Hokage had forbidden anyone from bludgeoning him...damn it all.

Sakura looked at him from the corner of her eye and murmured breezily, "You know, Shika-kun, you look like I'm taking you to a funeral instead of a party."

Shikamaru sighed momentarily and closed his eyes. He would have liked to reply, 'Yes, and it's _my_ funeral we'll be attending shortly,' but he decided against it. After all, it would have been a waste of his sarcasm allotment. Instead, he merely shrugged silently in reply as Sakura rapt loudly on the hotel room door.

The door creaked open. "Oh. It's _Shika_-kun. With his _date._ What a _pleasant _surprise," Temari drawled sardonically as she led her guests into the spacious parlor. Shikamaru knew that looks couldn't kill...but he couldn't help but feel like someone had just riddled him with bullet holes, the way Temari was staring at him. Across the room, Ino led Choji by the hand to come and 'greet' them. Ino was clad in some skin-tight piece of leather that might have been better suited to upholstery, while Choji simply wore a Flintstones patterned bedsheet across his broad body, toga style.

"Well hello, Sakura-no-billboard."

"Ino-pig."

"Hey Shikamaru, why the long face?" Choji asked, oblivious as always to social cues as he chewed on a turkey drumstick. Shikamaru mused that this made Choji look particularly caveman-like.

"That's just how he was born Choji-kun!" Sakura smirked.

Shikamaru shook his head. _If I just stay quiet...if I don't say anything...then maybe, just maybe, I can survive this night._

Just then, who should burst through the door but one, Uchiha Sasuke. He ignored Temari's polite greeting and instead stomped up to Shikamaru.

"Nara..." the Uchiha hissed.

Shikamaru raised an eyebrow. "Hmmm?"

"Are you...gay for me?"

Shikamaru choked on his own spit while Sakura laughed, her loud voice cackling like a hyena. "Oh Sasuke-kun, obviously your sharingan eye missed something, because Shikamaru is my date. Did you bring a date, Sasuke-kuuuuuun?" she purred.

At this, the Uchiha blanched. He mumbled, "I came with...Naruto."

Sakura guffawed at that. "Well then...this might be a case of the pot calling the kettle black." And with that, she pulled Shikamaru's head close to hers and hit him with an open mouthed kiss.

Yes, Shikamaru considered it 'hitting', because the impact of Sakura's mouth on his face shook his teeth, and the shock wave traveled down his spine and into the bones of his toes. It. Was. Not. Pleasant. Nevertheless, everything was going according to plan, and thus he acted as if he enjoyed the kiss very much. Or at least he tried to show that he liked it more than having his tonsils removed, or squishing a zit.

After the horrid public display of affection, Sasuke glared at Shikamaru with the glare of the Death God himself, then stomped back over to Naruto. Ino barked out a forced laugh and said something snide to Choji, who giggled around a mouth full of food.

"What was that, Ino-pig?" Sakura intoned sweetly.

Ino adjusted the corset straps of her leather bodice before replying, "Just saying. It's funny how insecure Sasuke-kun is now that you and I are chasing after _other_ men." And by other men...she meant, the same man, namely Shikamaru. _Troublesome..._

Out of the corner of his eye, he could see Temari, who hitherto had been ushering in other guests; now, she was coming back over to where Shikamaru and Sakura were standing. Time for the rest of his plan. "Oi, Uchiha-san, is something troubling you?" Shikamaru called over to Sasuke from across the room.

Temari bounded over with a look of pure glee on her face. "That's it, Shikamaru! I win and you _lose!"_

Shikamaru blinked innocently at Temari. "Why is that, Temari-_chan_? I was merely asking the Uchiha if something was troubling him..."

Temari paled significantly. "Oh. I thought... I thought you said something was _troublesome_..."

Shikamaru took a deep breath and proceeded with the plan, even though he thought the next part was going to be particularly distasteful. He took a step forward until he was nose to nose with the blonde; when he spoke, his breath fanned out across her face. "And why would that be a problem, Temari?" he murmured.

Temari flushed from the proximity, as well as from embarrassment. "Oh...no reason..."

"Unless, of course, you happened to have commissioned an S-classed mission for one hapless Konoha nin... And by S-classed, I mean it was _shit_ classed." _Burn..._

Temari seemed to have regained control of her senses at long last and took a step backward from the Nara. "I don't know _what_ you are insinuating, Shika-_kun._"

_Trying to play dumb with me? Oh, I will make your life a living hell, _Shikamaru thought spitefully. He gave Sakura the secret hand-sign, and instantly she was back at his side. "Oi, Shikamaru, I missed you!" Sakura moaned in her best approximation of a breathless porn star. The Nara grinned and brought his mouth to hers; they commenced upon another disgusting PDA. From the corner of his eye, Shikamaru could see that Temari was growing redder by the moment.

Shikamaru closed his eyes and thought back to earlier that evening, when he had picked up Sakura from her house:

"_Shikamaru-kun, you will not believe who make this baloney sandwich!" Sakura practically squealed._

"_For the love of Kami, Sakura, I need to know who made that infamous BS," the Nara replied dryly. If you haven't guessed by now, dear reader, baloney sandwich was their code word for Shikamaru's bull shit mission._

"_Why our friend Temari of course!"_

_Shikamaru nodded. "I thought as much. After all, we know what a great cook she is..."_

_Sakura's eyes sparkled. "And darling, I have just the plan- er, I mean, _way _to let her know our appreciation! A way that will help _me _get _my_ piece of meat as well!" Even if Shikamaru hadn't seen Sakura's air quotation motions, he would have known that Sakura's 'piece of meat' referred to none other than Uchiha Sasuke._

"Oi you two, get a room!" Naruto squealed as he chucked an everclear-soaked strawberry at their heads; unfortunately, said strawberry missed the snogging couple completely and instead hit Temari's forehead with a squelching sound.

Sakura giggled and leaned on Shikamaru shoulder. Behind them, Temari wiped the strawberry goo from her forehead, where a large vein was now throbbing angrily.

Suddenly, a loud buzzing sound echoed throughout the room. Looking for its source, Shikamaru spotted Gaara: the red head was clad in a sheepskin toga, and in each hand he held two tasers. "Temari-san, why is your little brother tasering himself?" Sakura asked, concerned.

Temari sighed. "It's for Gaara's new shock therapy. Every time he has a thought about killing someone, he tasers himself."

Shikamaru winced; was it just him, or had Gaara tasered himself about ten times in the past five minutes? By his calculations, that was approximately one homicidal thought every thirty seconds...

But there was no time to dwell on this fact, because Kankuro was tapping on a microphone: the loud, mind-numbing screeches of speaker feedback quelled all conversation in the hotel room. "Hey everybody!" Kankuro roared into the mic, further destroying everyone's eardrums, "It's time for caveman karaoke!"

Visibly wincing, Shikamaru tonelessly sang, "Where it's at...I've got two two tasers and a microphone..."

Sakura, who was still hanging on his arm, began laughing hysterically: but behind him, Temari just grinned a feral smile. She strode forward and whispered in his ear, "That's your sarcasm allotment for the day, you know..."

"Oh I know Temari. And... It. Is. _So. _ On..."

"Oh it's on, Shikamaru-kun...and _you_ are going _down._" she breathed into his ear. Shikamaru shivered. Was he hallucinating, or had he just heard the world's worst double entendre?

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><p><em>an Please review my dears:)  
><em>


	13. Chapter 13: A Little Bag Of Cocaine

Hey friends! I really busted ass to update today, for soon, oh so soon my friends, **I will be taking a break from fanfic for the entire month of November for NaNoWriMo!** And I wanted to make sure you got this update before I completely throw myself into the madness that is type-175+-pages-in-one-month-marathon-of-insanity.

So wish me luck and please enjoy the latest chappy:)

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><p>Chapter 13<p>

A Little Bag of Cocaine

"_A little bag of cocaine  
>A little bag of cocaine<br>So who's the girl wearing my dress?  
>I figured out her number<br>Inside a paper napkin  
>But I don't know her address<em> "

~Regina Spektor, "Hotel Song"

Shikamaru blinked in the early morning sun. His head hurt. His _dick_ hurt. _What the..._ Blinking with renewed vigor and ferocity, he dimly made out that he was in a luxurious hotel room, in a bed that was as soft as a mother fucking cloud. He felt something warm next to him, and with a leaden feeling in his stomach, he turned over to see one blonde kunoichi, her curly hair wavy and wildly framing her sleeping face.

_Oh shit fuck kami damn fuck fuck, _our hero so eloquently thought. _I must have banged Temari last night._ But how? When Shikamaru forced his genius brain to think about the events of last night, he drew a big fat blank. Suddenly, Shikamaru felt something move on his other side, and slowly, oh-so-slowly, rolled over to find—

"Oh, _fuck_ me!" the genius groaned in horror. For there, on his other side, was a drowsy, blonde kunoichi, whose long golden hair trailed around her pillow like a halo.

"I think I already did that...multiple times, in fact," drawled the voice from his other side.

"Temari!" Shikamaru spat, turning around to face the source of all his suffering. "What the _hell_ did you do to me?"

"Me?" Temari shrugged innocently. "I think you did most of the work there..."

Shikamaru shot out of bed; but when he realized he was buck naked, and that both of his blonde (lovers? Gah!) were eyeing him with interest, he squealed and dove under the covers by their feet.

"Oi! Shika, you could be nicer about waking me up!" Ino groused. "Hey Temari-chaaaaaan!"

A feral smile danced across Temari's mouth. "Hey sugar lips."

"Honey buns."

"Sex kitten."

"Slut muffin."

"STOP IT! FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS HOLY AND GOOD, STOP IT!" Shikamaru moaned as he clenched the covers tighter to his naked torso.

Temari eyed him appreciatively and cooed, "Oh, Shika-kun feels left out. Sorry, _stud._"

"I had a lot of fun last night, _animal," _Ino managed between her giggles.

"GOD DAMN IT STOP WITH THE PET NAMES!" Shikamaru, at his wits end, cast his shadow clone jutsu and pulled his errant pair of pants towards him, and then proceeded to get dressed surreptitiously under the covers. "Kami fuck damn, did we...did I...what the..."

"It seems as though we've fucked you senseless, Shika-kun," Temari purred.

"Oi! Shika, getting dressed already? Come on, get back in here!" Ino called as Shikamaru made a bee-line for the door.

"I have some more coke if you want," Temari offered.

Shikamaru turned around from the entryway and stuttered, "Y-you! N-no! No more coke! That's what got me in this mess in the _first _place! You evil, fucking temptress you!"

Temari smiled and cat-called back, "Oi, Shika-kuuuuuun, you're getting me all hot and bothered again. Come back to bed my little man-toy."

"I AM NOT YOUR MAN TOY PSYCHO BETCH!" Shikamaru wailed as he pulled on his shirt and ran screaming from Temari's hotel room.

Temari looked at Ino; Ino looked at Temari. They both shrugged and commenced to making out with each other.

"It's way better being friends than enemies, don't you think?" Ino whispered in the shell of Temari's ear.

"Ya-huh," the other agreed as she tackled the Konoha kunoichi.

Meanwhile, as Shikamaru sped through the streets of Konoha, horrible snippets of the night before flashed through his head. Lines of coke. Karaoke. Yes, yes, it was all becoming clearer, and as Shikamaru bought a coffee and a pack of cigarettes, the horrific scenes of last night came crashing down on his fragile psyche:

_Sakura was hanging on his arm like a barnacle and Kankuro was singing some atrocious 80's pop song in the back ground. Just as Shikamaru was wincing from the microphone feedback, Temari approached him, an animal-like grin on her face._

"_Oi, Sakura, Sasuke and I are about to snort some coke. Are you down?"_

_Sakura bit her lower lip; on the one hand, coke was an evil, evil drug. On the other, if Sasuke was getting high, perhaps she could seduce him. "I'm totally down," she finally replied._

"_And you, Shika-kuuuuuun?" Temari purred._

"_No thanks," the Nara replied briskly._

"_Oh, I'm sorry," Temari murmured as she stepped closer to him until their noses were just barely touching. "I forgot that you're a fucking pussy. More coke for me then, I guess."_

"_Oh, I'll match you blow-for-blow, Temari-chan," Shikamaru muttered through his clenched teeth. He was going to make her pay for being such a bitch, all caution be damned!_

_As they made their way to the table where the drugs o doom were being cut, Shikamaru heard Naruto moan, "Oi, come on Teme, I want to try coke too!"_

"_Tch. Dobe. The _last_ thing you should ever have is coke. You're hyper active enough as it is."_

"_Stuff it bastard, for every line you snort, I'll snort two— unless you are too much of a pansy to accept my coke challenge!"_

_Sasuke sighed. "Whatever idiot, do what you want."_

"_Oh bo-oys!" Temari cooed. "Ready to have some fun?"_

_Just then, seemingly out of nowhere, Hinata popped up. "Um...er...ah...eeee.." the Hyuga stuttered._

"_Yo, you want in, Hinata-chan?" Temari asked._

_The poor Hyuga turned as red as raspberry jam; Temari took her hand and sat her down right next to Naruto, which only caused Hinata's blush to deepen._

_About 20 minutes and a large bag of coke later, things were looking quite dire._

_First of all, all the older jonin in the village—Kakashi, Asuma, Kurenai, and worst of all, the mother fucking Hokage herself!— had all arrived at the party. At first, Shikamaru was worried that they were about to get in a shit ton of trouble, but that's when Shikamaru realized that the Hokage and her crew were blowing their own lines of coke at the other end of the room._

_But Shikamaru did not have time to dwell on how _wrong _this all was, for that's when he started to get his buzz on: and that's when he jovially invited Ino, who was lurking in their general direction, to come and do some lines with them. There was just something about the damn drug that made you feel like mother fucking Santa Claus on Christmas fucking eve, and Shikamaru wanted to share his coke-blown cheer with his dour looking teammate._

_And by the time Ino had sauntered over and powdered her nose, she basically sat on Shikamaru's lap. At this point, Choji had long since ditched Ino for the hot bar, and the blonde felt no compunctions about keeping their tubby teammate occupied. Temari, instead of trying to claw Ino's eyeballs out, actually invited the kunoichi to come and sit by her, and then the three of them became best-friends-for-ever. Just as they were discussing which song they should sing for karaoke—it was a toss up between "Under the Sea" from the Little Mermaid and Fergalicious— that's when things started to go fucking _wrong.

_Not for Shikamaru, surprisingly, but for Uchiha Sasuke, who was trying to dry hump Naruto._

"_Dear fucking shit! Get the fuck off of me Sasuke!" Naruto shouted._

_But the Uchiha was possessed by the demon of cocaine, and was currently trying to remove Naruto's clothes via his teeth. _

"_Uchiha! Let go of Naruto!" Hinata shouted. Her voice was so loud, the person doing karaoke stopped and the whole room went quiet. Ino tittered and whispered something in Temari's ear which made the latter blush fire-engine red._

_Hinata, who was high as fuck on coke, had morphed from her normal, mousy self into an angry goddess whose favorite handsome mortal was about to be dragged into the underworld by the Uchiha bastard._

_Sasuke, who was beyond reason at this point, continued trying to rape Naruto; the latter was so flustered at this, that he could not quite fend off his assailant. So without further ado, Hinata gentle-fisted Sasuke's good-fer-nothing ass until he lay in a twitching puddle of pathetic-ness at her feet. "Come on Naruto-babe, why don't you come home to my place. Naruto?" Hinata called, confused when Naruto had somehow disappeared._

_At this point, Naruto was reading a book of poetry he had found on the coffee table by_ _Lord Alfred Tennyson. "Wow, this stuff is great! Who knew reading could be so awesome!"_

_Sakura began giggling hysterically as Naruto continued to delve into the thick hardback book. "Naruto! You realize it's not normal to be calm and relaxed after doing coke, right?"_

_Hinata started giggling too, then sat down next to the Uzumaki. "Read me a poem, Naruto-kun. After all, I just saved you from anal rape."_

_Naruto smiled and began, "O love, what hours were thine and mine, In lands of palm and southern pine..." Hinata was just about swooning; it was a fucking fairy tail come true...kind of._

_Meanwhile, Shikamaru sat in between Ino and Temari, and Sakura picked up the Uchiha from the floor and headed towards the nearest bedroom, ostensibly to have her way with him. "If only they had given coke to Naruto in the academy...he might have actually passed his exams," Shikamaru remarked thoughtfully._

"_I'm pretty sure he has a bad case of ADD," Temari agreed._

"_Whatever. Let's go sing!" Ino squealed as she dragged Temari and Shikamaru to the stage...  
><em>

Shikamaru took a sip of his coffee and a drag of his cigarette as his memories ended. What the hell happened after they sang karaoke?

He sat on the bench, pumping caffeine into his system and smoking cigarettes for the better part of an hour, but could not for the life of him figure out what the _fuck_ had gone down afterwords.

He had a sinking feeling in his stomach. In his coke addled state, had he been able to keep his mission? Or did that evil slut from the Sand manage to pry his dreaded catchword from his lips? "Fuck," Shikamaru breathed. "Fuck, fuck, _fuck."_

Just then, an ANBU dropped down from one of the buildings and approached the wan Nara. "Shikamaru-san, the Hokage requests your presence. It's time for your mission report," they stated before disappearing from whence they came.

Shikamaru rose on shaky legs and made his way to the Hokage tower in a haze of numbness, but just as he got to the base of the tower, he paused.

"Shit," he muttered, "today officially ends my fucking mission. But I have no idea if I was successful or not..." With trepidation, he mounted the stairs and lit what was probably the last cigarette of his life before the Hokage abruptly ended it.

Because he had no doubt in his mind that somehow, during the debauchery of last night, Temari had gotten him to mutter that dreaded, forbidden word.

_How. Fucking. Troublesome..._

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><p><em>an drugs are bad, m'kay? Especially coke. Seriously, don't do that crap. Make fanfic your drug instead, whahaha! It is addicting but won't RUIN YOUR MOTHER PUFFING LIFE!_

And now, for the love of all that is good and holy (obviously, this statement does not include this fic) PLEASE review:)_  
><em>


	14. Chapter 14:Surprise!

_Lol, thanks for being so patient with me everyone! I just like...got totally distracted by life...gah. Anyway, I did finish and WIN nanowrimo (like a boss), and I'm still working on my rough draft of my original fic, which is 100,000+ words right now (cause I'm a boss, lol), so that's tight._

_Anyway, here is the final chapter of Catchphrases. Y'all have waited long enough for this so... Enjoy!_

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><p>Chapter 14<p>

**Surprise!**

_Surprises are foolish things. The pleasure is not enhanced, _

_and the inconvenience is often considerable.  
>~Jane Austen <em>

Shikamaru made his way slowly, slowly, mother-fucking-slowly, up the stairs to the Hokage's office. In one hand, a lit cigarette was clenched; the ashes fell and smoldered on the red carpet, but Shikamaru did not notice. There was only one thing on his mind: his untimely demise. Because if the Hokage had a bet riding on his mission, and if she could stand to lose precious, precious inebriants via Shikamaru's coke-blown incompetence, then Shikamaru was a walking dead man. A. Walking. Dead. Man.

Shikamaru cursed the day his mother had her first date with his father. He cursed the day his father had ever lain eyes on his mother. He cursed the day his grandparents had ever been a twinkling in _their_ grandparent's eyes! Curses! CURSES!

The Nara's caffeine addled brain was whirling with possible ways to escape his doom. Should he jump out of the window and run? Become a missing nin? Should he disguise himself in a chicken suit? Maybe he should just stab himself in the spleen; god damn spleen, what the hell was it good for anyway?

As Shikamaru's genius brain roiled with idiotic possibilities and visions of spleen stabbing, he realized with a shock that he was standing in front of the Hokage's door. Curiously, he heard peals of laughter coming from inside. His agony momentarily forgotten in light of this new puzzle, Shikamaru pressed his ear against the door. His jaw dropped at what he heard. It sounded like the Hokage was watching porn! Very, _very_ enthusiastic porn from the sound of it! And there were quite a few people screaming inside with laughter.

Just as Shikamaru was going to run away in fear, the door opened; unfortunately, Shikamaru had still been leaning against the door, and he fell into the Hokage's office from the sudden movement.

"SURPRISE!"

Shikamaru, who was laying stunned on the carpet, blinked up in shock. There, upside down and hovering over him like a bad hallucination, were all of his teammates and friends. Shikamaru blinked again and realized that the ceiling was covered in streamers and colorful balloons.

"Shikamaru?" Ino strode forward from the crowd. "Are you ok?"

"What the hell is going on?" Shikamaru sputtered.

"Geez, for a genius, you're not very smart," Temari smirked.

Shikamaru closed his eyes. Damn troublesome women. With all the bleary courage he could muster, he muttered, "What...what is today's date?" _Please, Kami, please don't let this be what I think it is..._

"It's September 22nd!" Ino squealed.

Holy mother of chocolate cake. It was his birthday. Dear gods, NO.

The Hokage stepped forward, her giant bosoms looking quite strange from Shikamaru's position on the floor. "Shikamaru-kuuuuuuuun!" she purred, her cheeks flushed.  
>Oh dear Kami, the Hokage was shitfaced drunk. Whatever was going to happen next was not going to be good. How did Shikamaru know that it was going to be no good? Because the kid was a mother fucking genius. That's right, you heard me, he's a genius that. Fucks. His. Mother. Mother fucking genius, betches.<p>

"Hokage-sama?" Shikamaru stated weakly. "Um... You wanted to see me, ma'am?"  
>"Play the tape!" the Hokage roared.<br>Shikamaru lifted his eyes to the far side of the room, where Anko—beaming like the village idiot—pressed the play button on a tape recorder.

"Oh, fuck yeah, harder!"  
>"Under the seeaaaaaaaaa!"<br>Grunt grunt grunt.

Dear gods. It was their sex tape. For the love of...

"Shikamaru, can you confirm or deconfirm that the voice stating, 'Under the Seeaaaaaaa' is indeed your voice."

Shit. Shit! _Shitshitshit_! Veritable shit storms of DOOM! Never mind that deconfirm is not a real word! BECAUSE! Whilst under the influence of coke, Shikamaru had forgotten one crucial thing: he had been bugged. And the microphone hidden in his vest was a mother fucking ninja microphone. That's right, a microphone so bad-ass, it has SEX with its MOTHER. Le gasp!

The Hokage had Shikamaru's whole night of debauched karaoke on tape. On a mother fucking tape (that's a tape that fucks its...oh, never mind).

"Shikamaru! As your Hokage, I order you to tell me: is that YOUR voice on the tape!"

Shikamaru closed his eyes and listened to the sounds of the porny recording: he had definitely been singing "Under the Sea" whilst banging two hot ladies. In fact, from the sounds of the tape, it sounded like they had progressed on to other show tunes, and that they were also taking breaks to snort coke; he could tell from the loud huffing sounds Temari was making, like a cat coughing up a hairball, as she enjoyed her horrible, corrupting drugs via a straw up her nose.

"Don't cry for me ARGENTIIIIIIIINA! The truth is I NEEEEEEVER left you!" sang Shikamaru's coked out voice on the speakers.  
>"Oh yeah, right there baby."<br>"Fuck yeah, that's the stuff."  
>"HIT MY BABY ONE MORE TIME!"<p>

Yep. The person singing Britany fucking Spears as he shtupped two blonde kunoichi was none other than our beloved birthday boy. Who knew he had such a smexy singing voice? It was like Count Dracula and Voldemort had a baby, and the baby was an Evil Christina Aguilera who had the voice of an (evil) angel and the sex drive of an (evil) rabbit.

Shikamaru blinked. It seemed like his brain had officially just died, because the thoughts he had just been thinking about his penchant for singing made abso-fucking-lutely no sense.

"SHIKAMARU! IS THAT YOU ON THE TAPE!" the Hokage demanded for the umpteenth time.

Shikamaru took a deep breath. "I cannot lie; that's me singing The Little Mermaid, Evita, and Brittany Spears." He closed his eyes and waited for his untimely death.

Meanwhile, the tape played on:

"Oh gods Shika, I thinking I'm coming!"  
>Grunt grunt grunt.<p>

"Don't you KNOW that you're TOXIIIIIIIIIIIIC!"

"Damn Shikamaru," Naruto mused from the sidelines, "I didn't know you were such a pimp."

"Or that he was such a good singer," Sakura added.

"Hn," stated Sasuke. Sakura punched Sasuke in the face; that shut him up for a while.

"Don't cry for me Argentiiiiiiiiiiiiina!"

Shikamaru winced; apparently, he was back to singing Evita on the tape. "Can someone...please...for the love of all that is good and holy in our world...please _please _pause the tape?"  
>Anko did no such thing, and when Choji made a mad dash for the pause button, she stared him down. "Sorry bro," Choji muttered, "I ain't ganna mess with dat shit."<br>Since when did Choji talk like a gangster? Shikamaru made some quick calculations in his head: "Damn it, are you kids all high on coke?"

"That's neither here nor there!" the Hokage barked. "We're all here to discuss your mission!"  
>"And to wish Shikamaru a happy happy HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY birthday!" Sakura interjected animatedly.<br>"Damn. That's too much happy," Sasuke snapped.  
>Sakura punched him in the gut, and then threw him over her shoulder for good measure.<p>

Shikamaru shuddered. "My mission," he repeated lamely. "Did I...?"  
>"We listened to the whole tape: you didn't say any of your catchphrases! Not. Even. Once."<br>"Please don't kill me Hokage-sama I can explain—wait. What? You mean...I completed my mission successfully?" Shikamaru was completely flabbergasted.  
>"That's right, sunshine!" Temari cooed as she pried Shikamaru off of the floor. "And now, tell him what he's won!"<p>

Tsunade beamed down at the sallow Nara. "In return for helping me win my bet—I mean, for successfully completing your S ranked mission, I give you a month long vacation!"  
>For the first time in over a week, Shikamaru smiled. "You mean—I get to go on vacation? That's...that's frackin' awesome!" Shikamaru couldn't believe it; his luck was finally changing! Maybe there was a birthday god after all!<br>"That's right Nara!" Tsunade replied. "You'll be taking an all expenses paid trip to Suna, where you'll be staying at the plush Kazekage castle! Your teammates, Ino and Choji, will accompany you!"

Shikamaru's smile faded and he became even paler than he had been before. "Wait. Wha...?"  
>Temari elbowed him in the ribs. "That's right! You'll be having your vacation at my casa. And I knew you'd be lonely without Ino...sooooooooo—"<br>"Temari said I can eat all the potato chips I want!" Choji beamed. "Oh! And she said I could snort all the coke I wanted, too!"  
>Shikamaru turned his blanched face to the Hokage. "This...this is the reward I get...for completing my mission?"<br>"Ya-huh," the Hokage murmured. "Pretty awesome, huh?"  
>"We've got a full karaoke bar and everything at my place," Temari said with a smile. "And enough coke to make you sing show tunes all. Night. Long." She winked at him, then made a throaty purring noise that filled Shikamaru with fear.<p>

"Happy birthday Shikamaru!" Ino yelled.  
>"HAPPY BIRTHDAY!" everyone cried.<p>

But Shikamaru couldn't hear them; he was totally passed out on the floor, his skin ashen, a vein twitching in his forehead. This was beyond troublesome.

This. Was. HELL.

**THE END** (for now!)

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><p><em>again, sorry for the long wait: Hope you enjoyed the end!<em>

_Love notes accepted via the blue review button below:)_


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